HOW DARE YOU !!!!!

Because you do not agree with my views and philosophy you tell me I need therapy.  So I ask you why and to that you tell me "I have been going to therapy for 30 years and it works."  Ha, why do I not get it?
Do I need some one with a degree and a license to practice to tell me how I feel and why?  Are my own thoughts and views so distorted?  I feel good about myself.  I do not blame anyone for the circumstances I find myself in. I do not see the reason why you think I need therapy. And I wonder how is  therapy working for you given that you have been going to all sorts of therapies all these years, and you still find a need to keep on going.

I see a situation that  to me does not appear to be in harmony with the whole environment, so I attempt to influence it.  I  am in agreement that  any and every condition is what it is at any given moment.  But I  also aspire to be in a forward movement instead in a stagnant, meaning 'not moving' circumstance. And given that I have freedom to choose, and feel a sense of responsibility towards my surroundings I choose to be in "key" to the tune around me.  I understand that there is an element of "off" timing, pitch, etc as like it is in Jazz, but that to must return to the flow if it to make sense.  But then I understand that whatever I may suggest makes you feel uncomfortable, so I will accept your statement and let it be for what it is.

Well, I agree that I would like to be more affluent then I am.  There are many things that I would like to do.  And if I had more I could do more.  But I do not understand how I can get to be affluent without working.  I do not think that this affluence you speak of will fall from the sky and land at my feet.  I do not think that affluence, in form of money, will come from nowhere.  Maybe I am wrong and was brought up with some sort of slave mentality to feel that to have a standard of life I must, daily, earn my keep and my bread to eat.
But then maybe I do not associate with the right affluent people, or is it efluent?

After an endless amount of trying to get through the automated phone service and responding to unrelated questions presented by the computer, or many visits and many hours of standing in line to get some answers and action on an issue I am finally speaking with an individual that I think will help be deal with my problem I a presented with rhetorical responses and and the final answer is that it is against company policy, or that this is how it is structured, or there is nothing that can be done because the fine and manipulated print dictates that.  But somewhere in the conversation my military service comes up and you hear 'Thank you for your service"   After the Vietnam war at first we the military were scorned as 'baby killers'  yet we did not enter into the service with that intent or even vaguely aware that that was going to be what we were going to be faced with.  So a newer generic statement  of  thanking for one's military service arose.  And you think that by uttering those words you somehow have done your duty and now you can go on with enforcing the corporate plan even though it violates my freedom that you have thanked me for preserving.  Such hollow words.

You overcharge me a ridiculous rent, or cost to purchase a home, a car, and you end your email with 'God bless'  I guess to let God bless me so now you can screw me.

Are you pointing at me?
Yes YOU!
Who else is responsible for you?  Not me.
Oh, so you think going to some one else, like a shrink, or an MD, or some alternative therapists, or a fortune card reader will get you the answer you are afraid to even ask?
How can you even think that someone else can peer into your soul, your heart and your body and tell you exactly what is going on?
Yeh, the technology today has the tools to see the most minute detail inside your brain and your body, but they can not look into your heart and soul.
Even the doctor that uses the available technology is unable to view the whole perspective of your physical being.
Oh so you tell me that it is my JOB to see myself and figure out what is going on?
Well, it is understandable that much of what is going on inside your body is 'garblee gook' and it is difficult to separate the whole mass and the mess it is in and some intelligent help is needed but it is you who has to guide the process.
So when it comes to HEALING only YOU can HEAL yourself.  Get all the help you can, but it is up to you to do it.
Yes, we have gotten so complacent and keep looking for that pill that will take care of it, pay the doctor and he will fix it, etc.
But it is up to each individual to take care of their own self.
Some time after we are born and as we develop that sense of self we become completely the captain of our own ship.  And as we get older and older, progressively as our body begins it's aging process we become more and more responsible for more details.  The wear and tear of life is very abrasive and by the time we reach 65 or so, suddenly we find a bigger plate before us than we even imagined.
So we are faced with a choice - Do I prepare myself for death or do I take action and continue seeking life.
That is where I am today.
I think that it is essential to review the whole journey towards death and find a platform that is acceptable to oneself  and then become proactive with live.  I have done just that.
I accept death, it is a daily acceptance, but I also have chosen to pursue life, and that means engaging in every aspect of my daily activity.  For the food I eat, the physical movement I partake in, the social engagement I seek out, the study and art I work on.
Everything that I do does not guarantee my longevity, or my condition, but it does open me up to the gamble that I just might get lucky and hit all the "right" steps that will make me happy and satisfied for some time, at least beyond here and now.  Here and now is where I need to seek and find the joy of life.
So now to the science of geriatrics and extending this one and only life that I have.
This will be an constant, ongoing journey of discovery that I intend to share on how I am doing my life.
I will openly share with you the whole truth and nothing but the truth of my passage, of the obsticles and issues and how I am working to lubricate, fix and recover the things that show wear ant tear.  Some things will appear to be chronic and maybe even terminal, but my premmis is that our bodies are such a sophisticated machine that is designed to regenerate and repair itself, if we deliver the correct fuel and electrical charge to each and every process.


So when is it time to start?
A start is a start.  It is never too early nor is it ever too late.
It is a process.  Life is a process.  Step by step and one step at a time.
I started in my mid twenties, becoming aware that it is I and only I that can affect my life.
I took, somewhat a radical turn from the path I have walked 'til that time.  The biggest step was that began with participating in and with my life.   It became more then just living my life.
What do you mean?
When you live you life , I think, you are consumed in the action of the moment.
What I noticed about the change is that I started observing me living my life.
It was thrilling because it felt as if I was getting twice the value from one life.
There was me living it and there was me watching me living it.
Bit by bit a third level developed, I was making choices of how I lived my life, so now I became a 3 dimensional being.  It was wonderful  to finally step into this 3 dimensional existence. 
And then another volcanic realization.  Even though there was this fullness to my life, my live had no meaning; or at least I did not know what it was all for.
Then I discovered the forth dimension.  Some call it the spiritual, the metaphysical, the soul of my life.
Or was it the sole of my shoe?  I do not know.
We put on shoes to help us walk this life, and the shoe has a sole that we walk on.
But that sole of the shoe insulates us keeps us separate from the life we are walking.
So was I really experiencing, feeling the life I was walking?
I kept walking, wondering, sometimes aimlessly.  Sometimes I would get this rush because I was participating in a revolutionary movement only to discover that revolving (revolution) simply would bring me back to where I started from.  That got boring. I was going no where, but I wanted to go some where.
As much as I enjoyed social  engagements and the pleasures of women, that too seemed to be just an exercise of the same.
And almost magically, not by my intended planning I was confronted by a woman that told me  "I will not be part of your harem."
It took but a moment, maybe because I wanted more of her, I made a decision, and we started a family.
Three children brought me a gift of nurturing 3 new lives.  I was no longer so absorbed with my own.  In fact I almost lost my own life because I now had a life of a family.
But guess what, suddenly the woman that would not be part of my group when we met decided again that she did not want to be part of my group.
I had no choice, there where little children that I felt I was responsible for, so I continued, but that too began it's dissasembly as each, at their own time spread their wings and decided to fly on their own.
So here I was, with this concept, no longer areality.
I could not face the world because somehow I thought I have failed.  I locked myself in a garage/studio space and started painting and sculpting my pain.
An American Indian woman artist who lived next door cam into my space one day, and I thought she would share some words of wisdom.  Maybe they were, she said "what are you doing painting on concrete ( I was using the floor as my canvas and the sculptures coming out of the painting) how are you going to sell it."
I could not stop laughing.  But with the laughter came tears, because her words did not relieve the pain and the lostness that I was so consumed with.
Then another friend, an artist came by, he told me, "you got pushed over the edge and now you are falling."
And so I kept falling for a tear.
Finally I started to emerge out of my isolation into the community.
One day I was talking to a stranger, sort of sharing my depression and as I mentioned, for the first time to anyone, that I was divorced, as an explanation of my sadness and shame, he laughed, I mean really laughed,
" so what, lots of people are divorced, me too."
It was difficult for me to accept his trivializing my drama, and it took some time to 'get over it.'
To realize that all that passes in the process of life was just a 'so what.'
My family experience was the 4th dimension of my experience.
And now as I entered into the acceptance of my divorce and the aloneness of my life, yes it was me and only me that has this life of mine I started to enter into the 5th dimension of my life.
So went by 13 years or so.  But my restlessness and seeking for more and more meaning of this life of mine, pushed me, pulled me, bounced me off the walls, floor and ceiling of life.
And as I started to find some stability with the floor and the walls around me, the ceiling started opening up.
As if to invite me to take flight and explore the 6th dimension of my life.
With this flight comes everything that I am writing and sharing with you now.


YES, I AM TALKING TO YOU! (that is me in the 3rd person?)

I am not a doctor so even though I will speak with some sort of "sureness"  mostly based from my own experience and observations, DO NOT take my statements as advice.  It Is YOUR job to create your own experience.  And if you fully engage in your own healing you will gain your own know how and gain an edge, a ledge, to stand on - knowledge.
Your choice, you can go to a  certified and degreed individual that has the authority to prescribe pills manufactured  by an industry driven by profit, the pharmacutical companies, and be satisfied that "they say"  that the pills you are taking ONLY are detrimental to a small percentage of people.  So the pills may make you sick, and the pills may dissipate some of the symptoms, BUT will the pills lead to a HEALING?
The venue of what YOU CAN DO is very broad, and I will share with you what I understand and have experienced as this work progresses.

Let me understand this.  You say that being AWARE is all that is necessary or that is the only real thing that has 'real ness' .  You present to me that being AWARE  is an end and anything beyond that is just an illusion.
You give yourself as am example - you say you are an A-hole - and that is all that you need to be is aware that that is what you are.  You say that doing anything to change that is throwing is bring a person into an illusion, is bring forth the ego, that ' what is ego? but just a judgment, an illusion, etc.

What I do not understand is that as I see the world it is a bipolar, duality a fact of life, yet you say that that in itself is an illusion.  I do not understand.  

I am inclined to think that if I am AWARE of a particular trait, or characteristic of me that I feel or see is not flowing with the environment that I find myself in I would want to alter it, but then you tell me  myself is just an illusion.

So you believe being that you reached the ultimate objective of existence and say that AWARENESS is an end unto itself, being an A-hole is totally fine.

I just do not  get it.  I will have to revisit this again.

I was under the impression that AWARENESS is a FIRST step in evolving your self to a 'higher' state of being.
You say you have been meditating all these years.  For what purpose is your meditation?

I quot an astrologer, Hindel, who said that a wise man rules his stars and a fool is ruled by them.

And the you come back with, who are you, but your ego.

Confusing.